Short Jokes (Part 2)

If you had 20 apples in your right hand and 30 in your left, what would you have?
Sore arms.
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A doctor asked three men what they would do if he told them they only had one month left to live.
I would stop work, live quietly, and prepare to die, replied the first man.
I would take all my money out of the bank and spend it, said the second man.
I would get a second opinion, said the third man.
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Spell blind bird.
b-l-i-n-d-b-i-r-d
Wrong. It’s b-l-n-d b-r-d because if it had two i’s, it would not be blind!
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What would you do if you were in my shoes?
Polish them.
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What would happen if I cut off your left ear?
I would not be able to hear.
And what would happen if I cut off your right ear?
I would not be able to see.
Why?
Because my glasses would have fallen off!
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Pauline, what is a “cannibal”?
I don’t know, sir.
Well, if you ate your mother and father, what would you be?
An orphan, sir?
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Don’t you think I sing with feeling?
No. If you had any feeling, you wouldn’t sing.
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A young boy came home with a pain in his stomach.
Sit down, said the mother. Your stomach’s hurting because it’s empty. It’ll be all right when you’ve got something in it.
An hour later the boy’s father came home from work, complaining of a headache.
That’s because it’s empty, dad, said the son. You would be all right if you had something in it!
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Tell me straight, doctor. Is it serious?
Well, I would start watching any new television serials if I were you.
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If you had 25 dollar and you asked your grandmother for 30 dollar and your grandfather for 40 dollar, how much would you have?
25 dollar, sir.
You don’t know your arithmetic, do you?
And you don’t know my grandparents, sir!