Short Jokes (Part 4)

Mary was meeting her friend, Sheila, who was an incredibly mean person.
How are things with you?
I’m short of cash at the moment. If only I had ten dollars for every man who asked me to marry him.
Yes, then you just might be able to pay for your own coffee.
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I’d like 100 grams of acetysalicyclic acid in tablet form, please.
You mean, said the chemist, you’d like some aspirins, sir?
That’s right. I can never remember the name.
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If only I had been born two thousand years ago.
Why son?
Because there would not be so much history to learn
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I wish you would stop playing that trumpet. I think I’m going mad!
I stopped playing half an hour ago, dad!
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Mrs Arnott is standing on a deserted beach with her two children. She is angry.
You children are always causing problems. If only you could remember where you buried dad in the sand!
Why is that a problem, mum?
Because the car keys are in his pocket and we can’t get home without them.
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Mrs Smith’s husband died three weeks ago. A kindly neighbor is visiting her.
And how are you coping now, Margareth?
Fine, said Mrs Smith, but my husband’s will has caused so many problems that I now wish he hadn’t died in the first place!
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A poor starving man walked up to a very rich, fat lady and said:
I haven’t had a single meal all week.
If only I had your will power, replied the lady as she walked away.
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Do you like your new flat?
Yes, but I wish my neighbors wouldn’t bang on the wall at two o’clock in the morning.
That’s awful. Does it keep you awake?
No, but it certainly interferes with my piano practice!
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Doctor, will I be all right in Africa?
You’ll be fine unless you get a disease from biting insects.
But doctor, how can I avoid diseases from biting insects?
Simple! Don’t bite any!
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If you don’t come out of the water immediately. I will have to arrest you. Swimming is not allowed. This is private property. Didn’t you see the sign?
Yes, officer, I saw the sign.
Well, why are you swimming in a private lake?
I’m not swimming, officer, I’m drowning.